Lost.

     Becoming a mom has undoubtedly been the best thing that has ever happened to me. But I think becoming a mother has a tendency to make you lose sight of your self a little bit. Not because you try to, but because you fall so madly in love with another human you forget how to love yourself.

     I became a mom at a young age, 21 years old, and it truly saved my life from the path I was going down. I drank everyday, rand wild, and held nothing close to my heart. I was with a man, who I am still with, who loved me unconditionally, but we were still young and truly didn't even know who we were as people yet. Becoming a mom at a young age made me grow up very quickly. I no longer got to go out with my friends, I had to quit my fun waitressing job and I no longer got to drive my un reliable old volvo, who I loved dearly. It made me make choices I didn't think I would have to make for a very, very long time. Becoming a mom at a young age, made me find love long before I ever thought I would. It made me feel the most whole I had ever felt in my entire life. But becoming a mom at a young age, made me lose myself a little. Not in a way that made me become any worse version of myself, because I truly became the best version I had ever seen look back at me in the mirror. But a version that I couldn't figure out how to love. I know my kids love me, and I give every ounce I have to them to make sure they are loved, spoiled, taken care of, clean, fed and entertained. But in the mix of trying to be the best mom and a wife, I forgot to love myself.

    I didn't know how to meal prep and cook dinners every night. I didn't know how to keep both upstairs and down stairs clean. and I don't know how to have sex every single night when my body is aching from running it completely to the ground every single minute of every single day. I don't know how to be a normal 24 year old anymore. I don't know how to be crazy, I don't know how to party, I don't know how to be wild and a crazy sex kitten anymore.  I have lost so much sass, loudness and even anger I used to appreciate in myself. I used to love telling my story; telling my flaws, hardships, highs and lows. But through it all I feel like my story no longer matters. I feel like my only job here is to be a mom. And I feel like not being able to satisfy my partner in so many aspects has made me lose sight of my own self more than anything has. Because I am constantly reminded that I am not good enough.  I have been with him for so long that he no longer wants to hear my stories, because he knows them all. He no longer asks for favors, because he knows I'm too tired. He no longer wants to even hang out with me, because somehow we end up arguing and the trip is ruined. I don't know if it's because we are comfortable with each other, or if its because we've known each other for so long, but I feel that I no longer have anything left to offer. It's not even his fault, It's mine. I don't have new stories, I don't have drunken nights, I don't have wild times, I don't have what I had when I was 18 and we were young and in love.

     Besides being with my children, I have found it so hard to find true, butterflies in my belly, joy. I no longer have enough time away from my family to go out and do new things. I walk on egg shells half the time even trying to get out of the house for more than a couple hours without having to take care of the kids food, clean the house and make sure everything is prepped so I can leave. Going out has become un enjoyable because it has to be planned. Nothing is ever spontaneous anymore. Nothing is last minute. Everything is accounted for.

      I know I make this hard on myself because I'm the type of mom that doesn't like to be away from her kids. I don't like Ben going to school, though he does half time, I don't trust anyone to babysit, and I truly lose my mind when I'm away from them for more than a couple hours because I miss them so dearly. So I'm stuck in this pickle. A salty, annoying, terrifying, answerless- pickle.

     This has become my reality. I think if you're a mom you'll understand so much of this. This in no way means I'm unhappy. Because I truly am so happy. But at the end of the night, when my kids go to sleep, my heart starts to pound and my anxiety kicks in, because I have lost myself- without my kids.