Re- connecting

It's been a while since I've been able to log on and write a post. Sometimes life just catches up to you quicker to you than you can handle and for some reason, it always ends up putting your joys on the back burner. Since I was just a kid I used to write poetry. Being hands on, mind in and completely vulnerable is how I felt comfortable. Being dug into my notebook with my pen and paper and not seeing anything else around me but the words that came next. Being able to express these emotions I didn't know how to express in any other way, than poetry. When I don't write, I feel lost. I feel like a bit of me has got washed away and I'm not sure who I am inside. I know I'm a mother, a friend, a girlfriend, a daughter, a sister, and I continue to do the best I can to be good to others, but am I good to myself? I continue to be creative, as my fire is lit by creativity, but how often am I emerged? So, right now- I'm going to immerse.

Today:

Today I felt shaken. As I dropped my son off at school, my hands began to tremble, my heart began to race, and I had no idea why. My mind began to fill with thoughts; scary, terrifying thoughts, that finally led to me calling his school just to make sure he was okay. He was fine. I sat down, looked down, took a breath and tried to focus on being present. I couldn't. My mind began to race, my heart began to race, I felt overtaken. Some days, most days, I wake up and I pray and leave it in God's hands. Maybe because I was raised to pray, maybe because I'm too afraid to face reality while its racing by, quicker than I can mentally grasp it. Before I had kids, I was aware of the world; the hurt, the pain, the chaos, but after having kids, bringing them into THAT world, makes me sick to my stomach. I think of the day I won't be here to protect them, and nothing rocks my world harder than that. Loving someone so deeply, that you would die and kill, with not a second thought through, that is love, protection and devotion. And to know there is stronger, bigger and more powerful than I, I feel overtaken. It's almost a feeling I'd rather not even think about, not face, not notice, not see, because the reality of it; of our government, our society, our wars and even our towns, are terrifying. I hate being terrified, I hate being shaken, and it takes over my entire body and mind. So as I shake, tremble and fall, I pray. I pray for strength, power, knowledge, a sense of calmness, to be grounded and to breathe. I pray that my children will be aware of all that is around them, but that they be the best they can be to everyone. That they hold the door open for women, that they walk the elderly across the street, that they see no difference in the color of your skin, that they fish, hunt and ride dirt bikes, not smoke weed and get lost in the haze of the world. I pray that I can raise the men of the next generation. These two little boys I call my babies, will be bigger, taller and more powerful than I, and it will be them who protects me. So I pray that I give my best, hardest, strongest effort to protect and love these little boys harder than anyone else ever will. Because that is my job. I am their mother, I am their protector, I am their everything, as they are mine. And though navigating through this scary world, I know God gave me these two little humans to navigate it with.

I am grateful. I am blessed. I am okay.

A little shaken, sometimes overtaken, but I am okay.