Finding Out

     Jeremy and I had talked about planning a second child, but didn't put much thought or effort into it. I wasn't on any type of birth control, so obviously the chances were there, but I had been off birth control for so long with out getting pregnant with Benjamin, that I figured it would take about the same amount of time to conceive again. To be honest, it took me a while to get back on the whole "sexual" track after having Benjamin. So my odds were pretty low at that point. I knew I wanted Benjamin to have a sibling, preferably a brother, but I just wasn't sure if I was ready for another baby quite yet. 

     Well, low and behold, it happened. Jeremy came home one night with a cheese quesadilla for me and I just about died when I smelled it. I KNEW, right then, something was up. That is exactly how I knew I was pregnant with Benjamin. It was just certain foods completely grossed me out. So the next day Jeremy went to work, I grabbed the extra pregnancy test I had laying around, peed on the stick, trying to think nothing of it, and.. POSITIVE. Oh. My. God. I immediately called kayla balling my eyes out. I was scared. So beyond scared. I had so many emotions I didn't even know how I felt.  She asked me if i was happy and all I could say was, "yes, I don't know, yes... I gotta go."  I grabbed Benny, ran to the store and bought two more tests. Drove home, chugged a bottle of water, and took another test. Positive. Took the second one, positive. Well, yep, Im defiantly pregnant. Still unsure how I was supposed to feel at this point, I grabbed Benny and one of the tests and went to Jeremy's work to show him. When I got there, I walked up to him, pulled it out of my back pocket and stuck it in front of him. Jeremy just lit up. With the biggest smile stretching across his face, He kissed me and said, "It's all going to be okay." God, I love him.

     Finally when I had a second to sit down, collect my thoughts and figure out how I felt about it all, I was able to grasp my emotions. It wasn't that I didn't want another child. It was that I didn't know how I could ever love someone as much as I love Benjamin. I was terrified that Benjamin would feel left out. I was so scared that he would be mad at me for bringing another child into the world when it is always just him and I. I was not ready to move Benjamin out of my room and into his, like, ever. How could another baby be as perfect as Benjamin? How could I go through this all again and feel that same love I felt with Ben?  I couldn't. So I thought.

     Slowly but surely, I started taking one worry on a time. The answer to all my worries was, OF COURSE I will love this baby as much as I love Benjamin. We may not share the same memories, because I will never have another first child, like Ben. But that will not make the love any bit different. I know Ben is going to be thrilled to have a little brother. He is so kind, gentle and caring. And i know the bond they have will be unbreakable, and I truly cannot wait to experience that right in front of my eyes. I cannot wait to see how similar this boy will look to Benjamin. And I cannot wait to see the love in Benjamin's eyes when he sees his little brother. I know it is going to be hard. But what isn't hard that worth living for? Not much. 

     I give myself anxiety by taking on too many tasks or even thoughts. So I knew I just had to break down each mental and physical task, one by one, and conquer it. Having another baby, of course will be hard. But having these two, will be the most rewarding challenge I will ever get to experience.