Wordless

     Sometimes I so badly need to write. I need to get my emotions, anger and frustration out but my mind just draws a blank and I'm at a loss for words. I need to feel something, and I so badly and subconsciously just shut down. I shut down to everyone around me but Benjamin. All I want to do is write, draw and be with Ben. I don't want to talk to Jeremy, I don't want to talk to anyone. I just want to be alone.
     Why is it that any time I finally let my guard down to someone, they completely and fully remind me why I keep my guard up. Why I don't trust and why I remain me, myself and I. I put so much love out, and so much of my positive energy and get nothing in return. All I want to do is help, and I want is love. Why has it always been so hard for me to find this, to feel this and to keep this. Why is it that when it rains, it pours. When it tumbles, it crashes, so hard.
      I know  Benjamin was put in my life for this exact reason, so I never stop feeling that intense and crazy deep love. But why is it that I always surround myself with ones that end up hurting me, that end up making me feel so poorly about myself, that remind me of the memories I don't want to feel.
I know when one door closes, another one will open. And I know this pain will turn positive. I know this will push me further and push me forward. and I will make sure that I pick myself back up and push myself forward. And push myself higher than I have ever been before.
     Call me over dramatic, tell me I'm over reacting. I have always been a sensitive person, and I always will be. I take things to the heart and I tend to hold on to what hurts me. It's not easy to forget, but I'm learning to let go and move on.

     Another feather earned.